1989

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I

The late summer sun settled along the dingy horizon as Richard Eldrich stepped out of the large white building of the Ministry of Truth. He hardly took any notice of the muggy air or the grungy streets of Washington D.C., his mind far off in the preparations to one of his famous speeches extolling the virtues of this great society and it’s leader, Big Brother. Loyalty to the regime and death to the enemy were always his subjects, along with the ideas of doublethink and his great admiration for Newspeak. Yes, all of his speeches had a substantial part of this language in them. And yet behind the facade of the iron party orator was an intelligence that surpassed that of many of his peers. Maybe that was why he had been narrowly passed over for that promotion.... Rich quickly suppressed the thought. Crimestop automatically stopped him from thinking any heretical thoughts against the Party. The Party knows best, he said to himself, subconsciously tugging at the breast pocket of his blue overalls. He had to hurry home and then head to the Community Center for the discussion that night. But before that he needed to pick up some shoe laces. Anita would never let him go out looking indecent when he was going to speak. Rich sighed to himself and turned off the street once called Pennsylvania Avenue and into prole territory.
     Going into this territory was not forbidden, but it was not recommendable either. Even so, when you need shoelaces and the Party stores don’t have any, where else can you go? Rich steeled himself as he entered the first small dingy general store he came to. Let’s get this over with, he thought to himself. Like many of the other Party people, he didn’t like mingling with the proles, but sometimes it was inevitable.
     The store was no more than 9 feet by 12 feet in size, but it was cluttered and crammed with a great assortment of things, anything from paper clips to old appliances and from buttons to books. Rich stared around the store for a moment, surprised at all of the things in it.
     “May I help you?” came a voice with a distinct southern drawl. Rich looked over to see an elderly woman standing behind the small counter.
     “I, ah, need some shoelaces,” Rich said.
     “Brown or black?” the woman retorted. Rich looked at his shoes for a moment.
     “Black, I guess,” he said. The woman nodded and bent beneath the counter, bringing up a shoe box filled with laces. “Take yer pick,” she drawled, “any pair is 25 cents.” Rich nodded and slowly looked through the box. After a few moments he had selected two, not that it mattered since all of the laces were exactly the same. He took his time because he was watching the saleswoman. She was dressed in poor colorful garb, like many proles, and yet it was very neat. Her gray hair was also neatly pinned back and there was an air of friendliness around her. She glanced in his direction and he looked down at the table quickly, not wanting to look into her fiery green eyes. He looked down the counter. A small book was lying just next to his right hand. The cover was a forest green and it had golden letters printed on the cover. He turned it towards himself carefully. The title said: Gideon New Testament Psalms Proverbs. He was suddenly intrigued by the title and for a moment he forgot all about crimestop, doublethink, and everything else he had been indoctrinated with. He picked up the volume and opened the ancient pages. His eyes fell on the table of contents. There were 29 entries listed there. The first four were names he knew. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. He knew people by that name, might they have written this book?
     “Have you decided what you want?” The voice of the elderly woman made him jump.
     “Uh, yes, I’d like this pair and the book,” he said shoving the two items toward the little woman. She looked at his selection for a moment.
     “The book isn’t for sale,” she said. “But you can have it for free,” she continued before Rich could protest. “That’ll be 25 cents,” she said and Rich put a quarter on the counter. “Have a nice day now,” she said and disappeared into a small door between two of the shelves. Rich looked after her for a moment and then left quickly, slipping the book into a pocket of his overalls. He had been here far too long.

     Rich sat quietly in his kitchen, his back discreetly to the humming telescreen. In the two weeks since his purchase of the little booklet he hadn’t been able to put it down. Of course it wouldn’t do to read it openly, one could never know when the Thought Police would plug into his telescreen and watch him. You had to be careful and above all else, trust no one. And yet some of the things he read he couldn’t help but share with Anita. She stood next to the ancient gas stove and tried to put together a half-way decent meal out of the daily ration. Rich had often wondered why he married her. There was no love involved. There could be no love involved, otherwise the marriage would have been forbidden. Why then? Maybe because as loyal Party members both had realized that perpetuating the race was very important. He regarded her for a moment. In another time she would have been called beautiful, with shoulder length dark-blond hair, and a well-formed body. Her face was always very expressive and even when angry she looked very nice. But something about her demeanor destroyed all of the physical beauty. It must have been the ideology of the Party that tinted her every movement and thought.
     Hold on a minute, Rich suddenly thought, running a hand through his own light-brown hair. Why am I suddenly thinking like this? Maybe it was this book. He looked at the place he had left off, suddenly wondering why this book hadn’t been destroyed. At every turn it mentioned “God.” Of course there was no God, the only reality was the Party. That was what he had been propagating from the day he had joined the Spies. His then innocent mind had been filled with Party doctrine until he thought it would burst. And now at 25 he was one of the best orators the Party had ever seen. Now look at him: he was sitting here and reading a book about “God.” He looked over the page he had finished. It was the end of the third chapter in the book, called Luke. Rich carefully turned the ancient page and looked at the first words on the page: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.”[1]
     Hogwash, was Rich’s first comment. But then slowly something began to dawn on him: If this is talking about that man mentioned in the other chapters, Jesus, then maybe it is accurate. Didn’t he always talk about God being his father?
     Rich read on: “Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”[2] Something about this line intrigued him. He had a lot of questions and he needed answers. He stood and walked towards the door.
     “Where are you going?” came a voice behind him. He turned and saw Anita looking at him. Her gray eyes shimmered in the half-light.
     “For a walk,” was all he answered as he left the apartment.

     His walk was aimless and before long he found himself walking along a small side street in the center of prole territory, his right hand loosely holding the green booklet. He had been reading as he walked and he had found more interesting things: “He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet all who received him, to those who believed on his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.
     “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”[3]
     What does that mean? Rich wondered. If this “Word” really was God and he came to live among men, that would be something else. Big Brother doesn’t mingle with the Party members. But if God did, then that would be really amazing. But what about the rest? Can’t someone explain it to me?
     “Excuse me, sir?” Rich turned to see a man dressed in prole garb walking up behind him. Instantly a warning light clicked on in his head, but there was something about the eyes, they weren’t the eyes of a prole, and not the eyes of a Party member, empty and hopeless. No, this man’s eyes were filled with a fiery light and warmth.
     “Sir,” the man continued, “you said you wanted help?”
     Did I speak out loud? Rich suddenly wondered. “Well, I have some questions.”
     “We all do, sir,” the man answered. “Maybe I can help you with some.”
     “Well, it’s about this book,” Rich said holding up the booklet. The man’s flaming eyes filled with surprise.
     “Where did you get that?” he asked in a half-whisper. Then he looked over his shoulder. “Come with me,” he said quickly and pulled Rich into the shadow of a doorway. “It has been years since I  saw one of these,” the man said earnestly. “Do you know what this is?”
     “It’s a very interesting narrative, especially...”
     “Sir, that is the Word of God!”
     “This is the Word that came to earth?” Rich asked incredulously.
     “John 1:1,” the man said cracking a broad smile. “That is talking about Jesus Christ, God’s son. He is a real part of history, not just a figment of a man’s imagination, like many of the comrades written about in the Post or any other paper for that matter. And God is real, too, not like Big Brother.” Rich was shocked. What this man had said was bordering on blasphemy.
     “Now, sir,” the man said. “You have some questions?”
     “Yes, this here,” Rich said pointing to the section about “his” being in the world.
     “Ah, yes,” the man said, nodding. “This is one of the harder parts to understand. ‘He’ is Jesus. And here is the reason he came: to give ‘light to every man.’“
     “What is that?” Rich asked.
     “How much have you read?”
     “The first three chapters of this book.”
     “Good, then you know what Jesus did.”
     Rich nodded. “He came and died on a — a cross.”
     “Right,” the man said nodding. “But he didn’t stay dead. He rose again from the dead and he is still alive now!”
     “Wait a minute,” Rich said, shaking his head. “You say that this, uh, Jesus isn’t dead?”
     “Yes,” the man answered, his fiery eyes earnest. “But he went back to heaven to be with his Father. Here,” he said, “let me show you.” Rich gave him the book and the man quickly turned the pages and read: “They were looking intently up into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood beside them. ‘Men of Galilee,’ they said, ‘why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.’[4]
     “See,” the man continued. “It says right here that he went to heaven and will return.” Rich was intrigued, but still had some questions, especially about his death.
     “Why did this man die, even though he didn’t do anything wrong?” Again his companion flipped the pages and read: “There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”[5]
     “What does ‘sinned’ mean?” Rich asked.
     “‘Sin’ means missing the mark, it means that you did what God has said is wrong and done bad things.”
     Rich laughed. “Well, I guess this doesn’t really count for me. I’m a good person.” But inside he knew that these were hollow words, bolstering an ego that was slowly being broken by divine tools.
     “Oh no, my friend,” the man said, “didn’t you hear what it said? ‘All have sinned.’ That means that you have sinned and I have sinned and every person in this dying world has sinned.” He paused for a moment letting his words sink into Rich. Slowly the emptiness inside Rich began to become a pain.
     “What happens to those that don’t follow Jesus?” he asked his companion. The man looked dead serious as he answered, “They will be separated from God forever and thrown into the lake of fire.”

     In the silence of his bedroom Rich mulled over what he had heard today. His friend had given him more information, and even offered him a chance to accept the forgiveness of Christ, but Rich found it too much to accept at one time.
     “I just don’t think I can do it now,” he told the man.
     “I will pray for you,” were the other’s words as they parted. “I will be here if you wish to talk more.” Then he had vanished into the crowd. But now as Rich mulled it over he cursed himself for not accepting the gracious offer of his companion. Come on, Eldrich, said a small voice inside him. This is just a bunch of hogwash made up to send you to the Ministry of Love. Then why do I feel so empty? he asked himself. Why can’t I get any peace at my present job? He rose and dressed, stepping out into the night air off of his balcony for a few moments.
     “God,” he whispered. “Help me.”
     The following day he headed back into the prole section of town, his mind made up. He was surprised to find his companion already waiting for him by the doorway.
     “I knew you would come sooner or later,” the man told him.
     “Have you been praying for me?” Rich asked, afraid that the answer might have been a “no.”
     “Yes, I have,” was the answer.
     “Then, my friend,” Rich said, “please tell me again: what must I do to be saved?”
     “Believe in Jesus Christ and give your heart to him and you will be changed.”
     “Oh, I will,” Rich cried.
     “Then kneel and pray with me,” the man said and they knelt. “Repeat what I say, Rich,” he said with an authoritative voice. And he prayed a simple prayer. Rich repeated it:
     “Oh, Lord Jesus, I know I am a sinner and I know I need you. Cleanse my heart and come live in me. Thank you that you do. Amen.” As he opened his eyes, Rich suddenly felt as if something had been broken away from him. He felt free, as if he wanted to dance and sing. He stood and suddenly his new-found friend embraced him.
     “Welcome to the family,” he said to Rich. Tears of joy were pouring down Rich’s cheek as he stepped back.
     “Thank you, my friend,” he said to the man. “You have helped me greatly.”
     “Then let me help you again,” the man said, pulling a thick brown book from his jacket. “I want to exchange your New Testament for this.”
     “What is it?” Rich asked taking the book.
     “It is the whole Bible. It has the things you have already read in it and more. Take care, for persecution will come, Rich. It will.”
     “Thank you again, my friend,” Rich said. “And will I see you again?”
     “Oh, most definitely, though maybe not in this life,” his friend said turning to leave. “See you.”
     “Bye,” Rich said, watching the man go.

II

The days had passed and Rich just couldn’t get enough of the book that the man had given him. He spent the whole night reading it, often falling asleep over it. He was learning so much. He had found a note in the front, recommending that he memorize the passages and he did, any passage that he found really useful. And he prayed. He prayed for his colleagues, his country, his world — and Anita.
     Anita was beginning to notice the changes in her husband. Usually lethargic in the morning he was usually awake and reading that book. She began to notice a fire in his deep hazel eyes, a burning that she couldn’t explain. He had a vigor that she didn’t think he could have, but what frightened her most of all was his talk. He talked of nothing but this book and the man called Jesus. She became afraid that he had abandoned the Party’s way and had found something more evil. Even though she didn’t love him, she didn’t want to lose him, either. There was more food to eat, more recognition, and maybe somebody to fight with when the need arose. But she had finally had enough. Rich was sitting with his back to the telescreen again reading that book.
     “Rich,” she said in a serious tone. He quickly closed the book and put it on the floor.
     “Yes?” he asked.
     “You have to stop reading that book,” she said, impatiently tapping her foot. “You just aren’t spending enough time with the Party. It’s bad for your image and then they might take you!” Rich smiled at her anger, and suddenly became aware of a new feeling towards her that he didn’t think he’d ever had before: affection.
     “Well, Anita,” he said. “If I would do that I would really loose my life.” She shuddered as she saw a warmth mingling with the fire in his eyes.
     “If you don’t stop, you’ll really be killed,” she said, biting her lip.
     “Why do you worry about me, Anita?” he asked.
     “Well — I ....”  She didn’t know the answer to that one.
     “Come take a walk with me,” he said.
     “But it’s almost 21:00.”
     “That doesn’t matter,” he answered, picking up his book. “Come.” For some reason she couldn’t resist his invitation and followed him out of the apartment.

     Rich slowly directed their steps toward the scrubby park. There were no electric lights, only the light of the moon falling among the trees and onto a small pond a short way away.
     “Isn’t it beautiful?” Rich asked almost breathlessly, looking about the soft dark grove of trees. “Do you know how all this came into being.”
     “Of course,” Anita replied monotonously. “It all evolved over millions of years....”
     “No, I mean really. How did it happen that this lifeless clump of rock could become such a place, blooming with life even in this oppression?” Anita just looked at him, watching him to see what would happen next. He took several steps toward the pond and then turned and looked at his young wife, eyes full of fire. “It was created, by God. The only God.” He came back his face intense, full of meaning. “And so were you, and I. But do you know why this world is the way that it is?” Anita was silent. “It is because man sinned. He did what God told him not to do. But not only man sinned, woman did too. What happened when those two sinned? Death came to the world and we couldn’t be friends with God. But God wanted to be in the world with us. And for that reason he sent his Son and his Son died for us. I have learned that and accepted that and that’s why I’m different, Anita, that’s why I don’t believe in the Party and in Ingsoc anymore. Oceania is dead to me, because I have found life. Life forever.”
     “You mean, you aren’t going to die?” Anita asked incredulously.
     “Oh,” Rich said, smiling to himself. “I didn’t mean that. Of course this body will die, but after death I will go to be with God.” He gripped her arms. “And I want you to be able to do that, too, Anita.” He dropped his hands and turned away, suddenly realizing what he had said. “I’m changing,” he finally said after a moment. “Changing but from the inside out. With this change come new feelings I didn’t know before: compassion, friendship, hope, peace, love.” Rich paused for a moment and turned back, looking into her gray eyes, eyes full of fear. She shuddered as she saw the warmth and gentleness in his. There was a look there she had never seen before. “I have learned what love is,” he said. “It is something that the Party can never quench. And I have learned to love you, too.” She went rigid the instant the words left his mouth. “Don’t worry, girl, it’s not what happens in a bed, it’s what happens here,” he said, pointing to his chest, “in your heart of hearts. That is where you must learn what love is. And only God can teach you that.” He paused. “It’s getting late,” he finally said. “Let’s go home.”

     Anita suddenly came awake, covered in sweat. Those dreams had been back again, horrible dreams of being chased by an unseen light and always being cornered, and then as it came nearer, that voice, rumbling, coming from the depth of the earth. She had never told Rich and didn’t think she ever would. She suddenly slipped out of bed and pulled her overalls on. She stood and left her room. There was Rich with his head resting on the kitchen table, the book just a bit away from his arm. She bent over the thick book and looked at the opened page. Something on it caught her eye: “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
     “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones / and flesh of my flesh; / she shall be called “woman,” / for she was taken out of man.’“[6] What did that mean. She turned and looked self-consciously at the humming telescreen and wondered if they were watching her. Her eyes slipped a bit higher up the page and she read: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’“[7] A helper? Is that what a woman is? she suddenly wondered. If that is so then why don’t we help men?

     A hand shook Rich’s shoulder, waking him from his sleep. He wiped his eyes and focused on the shadowed face of his wife. He searched the usually passionless face for any difference. She stepped into the soft light, clearing away many of the shadows in her face. He read the questions written there and beckoned for her to come. They crossed the room and entered their bedroom. Anita sat on the edge of the bed.
     “Tell me,” she whispered when he sat down next to her, “what are men and women like in that book of yours?”
     “They are friends, enemies, lovers, and followers of God,” he answered in a hushed voice. “But most of all they are partners. That’s what a husband and wife are: partners for life, each one building the other up through their mutual love, and serving God together.”
     “That sounds a bit like the Party philosophy,” she said after a moment. “Man and woman toiling side-by-side to build a better world.”
     “Yes,” Rich agreed, “but God’s way works better, because you can really change the world. Man’s ways are empty, but God’s ways are full of life and light. If a man and woman are partners in Him, then they are complete, because God fills in the gaps left by man’s sin.” Anita thought about this for a moment.
     “I like your God, Rich,” she said finally. “Can I know him, too?”
     “Anyone can know him, Anita. You just have to tell him that and believe in his Son, Jesus.”
     “Tell me about him, Rich,” she almost pleaded and he did. It ended almost an hour later with both on their knees, praying. When they finished Anita looked at Rich.
     “I feel free,” she said, tears streaming down her face, “free!”
     “And you are now,” Rich said, beaming. “Free from the bonds of sin and the Party.”